Wow, my condolences honestly. I know what it’s like to lose someone sudenly and its the worst feeling ever. Its gonna be hard T, very hard but the only way to take this is day by day. It will get better and you will come to acceptance. the end “see you later” part made me cry. Bawl. That’s what my brother said, he’d never say goodbye, he felt it was too permanent. He said, I’m seeing you again later so why say goodbye. And its so true. Love you stay strong and beautiful♥Nancy
Thank you so much, Nancy. You have no idea how much this means to me. That couldn’t be more true. I never say goodbye to anybody and I feel no one else should. I always believe I will see them again, so I never say it. I don’t even say it over the phone. I never want to think it’s the last time I ever see or speak to that person… so it’s always been see you later for me. I’m doing my best to work through it. I’m thankful for all the people I have in my life, because y’all are the ones helping me through this. I know it’s always going to hurt, but I will do my best to cope. And I will… Thank you.
Wednesday morning, the man I fell head over heels in love with, the man I waited for over two and a half years to come to me, the man that I talked about marrying and starting a family with, the man that made me feel like one of the most incredible women in the entire world… took himself away from me… He took his own life.
The second my little sister said she had something to tell me, I felt like I already knew what it was. I had this terrible feeling all day Wednesday, but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t understand why I felt empty all of a sudden. I just felt like destroying something, anything. I felt like I had just lost something, but couldn’t figure it out. The day was fine, or so I thought. I was laughing, I was smiling, I was with my friends and family. Everything seemed okay, but the feeling wouldn’t go away. As the day passed, the feeling became worse, but I still didn’t get it. Why did I feel so hurt?… Then I received a text, and when I called her and heard her hesitate… I knew, and when she said it, I got my confirmation.
I didn’t even realize I was crying before she even said it. The pain that built up in my chest was strong. I had never experienced anything like it before. It became so hard to breathe. I became physically sick. The news hit me so hard and so fast, I couldn’t even catch myself. I prayed she was lying at first, that you and her and the others were playing a disgusting joke on me, but I knew she would never lie or play with me like that. I broke down before I could even ask what happened. It all erupted at once. I was confused, upset, angry. Just like that, you were gone. I cried so hard, and screamed so loud into my pillow. I didn’t want anything touching me and threw everything off my bed, but at the same time, I wanted to be held. I felt lost, empty… alone again.
How could you take yourself away from me, from us? How could you give up after all of this time? After everything we went through together, every single little thing that came into our lives… all of that, for you to give up now? You let go that easily? Why? Why did you give up? Why did you do this? Why couldn’t you come to me like I constantly begged you to? Why didn’t you remember anything I said to you? What went so wrong that you decided that you could no longer fight? That you could no longer live?
I wanted to show you so much. I wanted you to see everything that was beautiful. I wanted to show you that the world wasn’t as terrible as the people in it treated you. I wanted to show you that real love existed, and that you had real value. That we cared. Your life was getting better. Your life was sorted out again. Your life had so much meaning. You had so many people that counted on your survival, that had faith in you… and you left us all. You left your little sisters and brothers, your best friends, your daughters… you left me.
I would have given up everything if you asked me to. I would have sacrificed and given up everything I had ever known for you. If you would have told me to, I would have done it and you knew it. I hope you knew it. I want to be so angry at you. I want to be upset. I want to hate you for this. I want to say hateful things; call you a fucking coward for taking the easiest way out; call you selfish for not thinking of the ones you would hurt when you left us all behind… but I just can’t bring myself to think of you that way. I can only think of all the times you said you loved me. All the times you said you wanted to be with me. All the times we talked about a possible life together.
You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve anything terrible that ever happen to you. You didn’t deserve the hatred, the abuse, the blame, the hurt, the heartbreak, any of it. You deserved so much better. You deserved everything that you ever wanted in life… but not this. Never this.
You didn’t even say goodbye…
You said you loved me, but thought I would be better off without you. You thought I was getting over you. You thought I was done with you… and you couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m miserable without you here. I always wanted you. I never stopped wanting you. I was still waiting for you. I was in the same place you left me, and I would’ve stayed as long as God allowed me to. I was in love with you. I tried once, but it didn’t work. I wanted to keep my promise to you, but I just couldn’t let go.
You were my first true love. I fell for you so hard. I couldn’t stop myself from falling for you… and I’m so happy that I did. You became the best thing to ever happen to me. You became my reason to smile. You made me feel like a queen and a little girl at the same time. Even through simple messages, you gave me butterflies. You became the last person I would talk to at night and the first person I would speak to in the morning. When you said you loved me at the end of every conversation we had, I knew you meant it every time. We were in love. True love, something we both didn’t know was possible for either of us ever again. We broke down each other’s walls and built each other back up, and for that alone I couldn’t be more thankful. Even when we started to grow apart from time to time, I prayed that you would finally come to me. I prayed for you to be blessed, for you to be helped. I prayed for your daughters. I prayed for your strength and health. I prayed for you and the others more than I anyone in the world, more than myself. Your existence alone gave me hope that things would get better, for the both of us… I never gave up on you.
I always loved you and I always will. You were one of the most greatest men in my life, and the footprints you left on my heart can never be washed away. I will never love someone as much as I loved you. My first love. When you left, you took a big part of my heart with you, and only you will ever be able to complete it again. I knew you loved me. I knew you never stopped… I just wish the love I gave you was strong enough to have helped you survive. It’s only been two days, and I miss you more than ever. I’m happy you’re no longer suffering, but I’m hurt you’re no longer here. I will carry on. I have to, because I know that’s what you wanted. I know that’s what you always wanted, for me to be happy, but I was happy with you… I just wish you could’ve truly seen it before it was too late.
Matthew Christopher Green, I love you and I miss you so much. I will miss our conversations and will cherish every memory I’ve ever created with you. I will never forget you. I will never replace you. I will never let you go. You will always be in my heart, and I will never let the world forget your name. I will keep fighting and I will keep living, for the both of us… I will never say goodbye… It’s only see you later, because I know I will see you again.
“Right and wrong are not what separate us and our enemies. It’s our different standpoints; our perspectives that separate us. Both sides blame one another. There’s no good or bad side. Just two sides holding different views.”—Squall Leonhart, Final Fantasy VIII